(no subject)
Nov. 27th, 2015 10:47 pm I feel relieved to have remembered the appearance of my old head friend from middle school and realized that I still feel pulses of connection to things of the same configuration. Honestly, that realization was extremely jarring, I couldn't believe I had all along been feeling something of that friend and not connected those dots. I don't think I'll ever split again-- and I don't see a need to piece out those things, we're well integrated-- the ways that Calm helped me when I was young are now just a part of my own internal process. I think at the time, Calm did for me what I couldn't yet manage to do for myself, because I was still guilting and blaming and hating myself for being a victim. I was still believing I deserved bad things. Calm had to be this external help when everything was still fresh. They were born from that, and helped me a lot while they were there, and as they never felt like 'me' I could accept the help then.
Because of how I guess I heard others talk of death of a facet more often than merge or integration, I just assumed they both 'died'... it's funny that the shapes of both Wander and Snufkin carry similarities to Calm, two characters that I feel immensely close to but feel just a little smidgen to the left of kin with. as in not quite there, but important. If they're drawn without arms, they look so much like Calm did. That armless pic of wander was the one thing I bought at MICE! Some Pixiv artists stylize Snufkin without arms. It's a great feeling when people draw these things.
the other one who was in there with me in middle school was not a good creature, but I wouldn't say evil, just... I don't know... like a slightly meaner Little My, calling me out on fooling myself, or making me face things that-- sometimes even Calm-- was trying to get me to let go of or not address. When I was going through my recent kin drawings, I remembered that day when I felt a particular jawset really strongly, so strongly I had to draw it; and I realized yesterday while going through my old, old DA gallery, in a similar 'holy shit', that it looked immensely like that other old 'friend'. It was a very bizarre and different turn from my usual at that time, too. Which was why I had to draw it that day. It was a huge, random fling into what felt like left-field, irregular to the rest of my modern kin aesthetic and feelings. In some extremely recessed way that thing is still in here, makes sense it would come out during the state of mind i was in towards later Philly.
I'm just... really.... floored...? I'm agog... it's hard to describe. Two very old companions who I thought were long dead are just an integrated part of the greater, grown Me. I'm glad... to feel them in this way. Back then they always felt like outside forces, not at all like things I personally felt, they were highly individual beings. Feeling a 'kin feel' for Calm back then wasn't something that could happen, as Calm wasn't me and I couldn't feel their body, or inhabit them. Understanding that I low-key, in a different way from feeling like paucipodia or clay, feel something of theirs.... it's really mindblowing... I'm going to be dwelling on it for a while
Because of how I guess I heard others talk of death of a facet more often than merge or integration, I just assumed they both 'died'... it's funny that the shapes of both Wander and Snufkin carry similarities to Calm, two characters that I feel immensely close to but feel just a little smidgen to the left of kin with. as in not quite there, but important. If they're drawn without arms, they look so much like Calm did. That armless pic of wander was the one thing I bought at MICE! Some Pixiv artists stylize Snufkin without arms. It's a great feeling when people draw these things.
the other one who was in there with me in middle school was not a good creature, but I wouldn't say evil, just... I don't know... like a slightly meaner Little My, calling me out on fooling myself, or making me face things that-- sometimes even Calm-- was trying to get me to let go of or not address. When I was going through my recent kin drawings, I remembered that day when I felt a particular jawset really strongly, so strongly I had to draw it; and I realized yesterday while going through my old, old DA gallery, in a similar 'holy shit', that it looked immensely like that other old 'friend'. It was a very bizarre and different turn from my usual at that time, too. Which was why I had to draw it that day. It was a huge, random fling into what felt like left-field, irregular to the rest of my modern kin aesthetic and feelings. In some extremely recessed way that thing is still in here, makes sense it would come out during the state of mind i was in towards later Philly.
I'm just... really.... floored...? I'm agog... it's hard to describe. Two very old companions who I thought were long dead are just an integrated part of the greater, grown Me. I'm glad... to feel them in this way. Back then they always felt like outside forces, not at all like things I personally felt, they were highly individual beings. Feeling a 'kin feel' for Calm back then wasn't something that could happen, as Calm wasn't me and I couldn't feel their body, or inhabit them. Understanding that I low-key, in a different way from feeling like paucipodia or clay, feel something of theirs.... it's really mindblowing... I'm going to be dwelling on it for a while
